grumble

here i am...
four days down...
15 more to go.
still no appetite, still really sleepy but now i'm gettting stomaches after i eat.
i think it's because the food is so fucking shitty.
at least they're believing me and not making me eat everything.
i still have to make it look like i touched the meat by cutting it up and spreading it around but they record that i at least ate half of it which makes me look like i'm not a freak.
i think that the homophobic facist is dropping out because he's dizzy.
now all i need to make me a little bit happier is for the whitetrash pro-bush cuntrag to get a rash or something.
tomorrow we have 15 blood draws. one every half hour.
sigh.
i hope that i don't pass out or start crying again.
that would be bad.
at least the people here seem to have acclamated a bit and they're less high-strung.
today i read some and i wrote about 5 long letters.
and i convinced the study manager to mail them out for me.
it's a very good thing that even though a lot of the nurses hate me, the one person who really matters at least appears to like me.
man oh man i'm cranky tonight.
i'm trying to think of funny stories to write down but they're escaping me.
maybe i'll have some more uplifting information to report tomorrow.
now i will try to sleep.

hide-the-sausage

so this is the first post in a pretty long time...
the last month or so has been packed full of nothing and everything...
i'm now (as of january second) officially homeless and it's been a bit stressful but not too bad.
i've been traveling between philadelphia and newyork visiting with friends and going to appointments for the drug study in asbury park (where i am now).
new years eve and day were a blast. it was fun having a little party and then doing fun stuff all the next day (mummers, roof picnic, more mummers...)
a couple of days after that i met up with dad deb and melissa in syracuse to visit with that part of the family.
i hadn't seen them in maybe a year and a half so it was nice...
little cousins shelby and ashley are sweet and wonderful.
ashley has an imaginary pony who she blames when she does bad things...
fucking brilliant.
2 nights ago was a party at 1214 ellsworth.
it was super fun to see all of those people.
i love them all so much and i'm going to miss everybody when i leave.
since i've been in asbury park pretty frequently, i've gotten to visit with lena and lina a bunch.
they crack me up so much sometimes.
back in philadelphia i've been hanging out with people trying to be as social as possible before i go away.
it's tough though because i've been going sortof crazy.
hopefully i snap out of it sometime soon but i guess there's really no telling.
i think that when i get to prague i'll be able to focus on my mental state with no distractions and maybe i'll be able to get happy but i'm not sure.
this drug study is kicking my ass so far and it's only the second day.
as soon as i got here yesterday they had to do a blood draw and i totally freaked out and started crying as soon as they poked me and i was trying to explain to them that it wasn't the needle it was just that i've been stressed out lately but i think that they thought that i was crazy.
and the food here is fucking bogus.
the good part is that we don't have to eat everything (not that i was planning on it anyway, but at least now i don't have to play "hide-the-sausage" like i did last time) but the non-meat part of the meals is so small (and lacking in nutrition).
i hope that i have enough in my belly to absorb the pills so i don't get sick.
i guess the good thing is that i'll probably lose a few pounds while i'm here.
no harm in that.
so many of the people here are nuts though... it's hard to deal with them.
lots of hutslers, gang members, really religious people, scumbags and creepy old dudes.
the creeps are the worst i think.
them "hi"
me "hi" and then i walk away.
fucking nasty.
maybe i'm overreacting and being a bitch but i can sortof tell that they're not just being nice.
if you know what i mean....
gross.

busy like a beaver

so i'm at my dad's house now getting ready to catch a bus to manhattan where i will spend the day wandering around until the evening when i will rendezvous with eric and/or the lienas. i wanted to get into the city earlier but i slept late late late and also it's fucking freezing outside and also my pack is heavy.
sigh.
i was going to come over on sunday but the weather was really icy so my dad says "come on monday" so i hung out with jon. we ate brunch (at 4 pm as usual) and then walked around center city and then went back to his house where i played with the babies and put some more songs on my mp3 player and then we watched the simpsons and arrested development. fucking hallarious! and then i find out that none other than shane mccauley is in town from la and needs a place to sleep over so if course i say "sleep over at my house!!!"
we hadn't seen each other in a few months so it was nice to hang out. we rented the dreamers and it was really amazing. in the morning he took me to the bus station. awesome.
it was a pretty busy weekend...
friday i went to the tla holiday party at the ministry of information with tabitha... it was so good to see jesse and kerry and cody and faith and whorehouse but i only stayed for a little bit because i had to get home to meet up with jon to go to the church to set up for the punk rock flea market for satuday. after we did that we went to chris and keith's house for the annual holiday poliana party. poliana wasn't there this year but we still partied hardy. lots of smiles and silly presents and dancing! i won a ms pac man joystick video game machine controller. pretty awesome.
on saturday i met up with jon in the morning and we went to the church and sold our shit. all of it. i'm not even kidding!
my little knitted things went like hotcakes as did our baked goods and a bunch of my records, clothes, polaroid cameras and assorted other knick nacks...
it was really fun to hang out with jon and see all of our friends who came to shop and i made about 300 bucks which is amazing but hardly puts a dent in the money i've spent the last 2 months not working. it's still awesome though.
and then after the flea market i was thinking of going to brian and jeanne and gerrys and julian's and keith's house for their party but i was sortof worn out so i hung out at home and then went over to josh's for a bit.
tomorrow i have to catch a bus to asbury park to do a screening for a drug study. i motherfucking better get in or else i'm pretty screwed financially. i'll have to resume the hunt for a sugardaddy immediately and wait until i can dig enough gold to flee the continent.
christmas eve i will be at polish lena's parents house for a sleep over and in the morning i'm coming back to my dad's house and then it's back to philadelphia. i've decided that since each time i go back to stroudsburg it takes about 5 years off of my life (like a cigarette amplified) that if people want to see me than they will have to come to me. no more of that pocono bullshit.
sigh.

*home sweet home*

i am finally back in philadelphia!
the rest of my time in clarion was super fun... it was so good to see meaghan and her housemates are all super nice. even the ones who voted for bush. grrr...
my last night there (thursday) we all went out to this bar and had a couple of drinks for meaghan's birthday and then we tore up the dance floor. the last song we shook our asses to was "like a prayer" by madonna. very appropriate for a bunch of catholic girls...
i was wondering how the hell i was going to get to pittsburgh (there aren't really too many busses going into or out of clarion) but it turned out that one of the jess's that lives with meaghan is from this town called butler about halfway between clarion and pittsburgh and there is a bus station there and she was going to be there anyway on friday to see her parents to she gave me a ride! so awesome!
so i rolled into the burgh in the evening and ended up going out dancing at this party called "panty raid" where people dance without their pants. i didn't take off my pants though. there were a bunch of good songs and everybody had a pretty good time i think...
the next day i went to see "the machinist" at a really adorable little cinema run by a film collective. it was really spooky (the movie not the cinema). later on i went out for thai food. DELICIOUS!!!
the next day i went to brunch at this place called zenith. it was absolutely amazing. it's this big antique mall with a cafe inside and on sundays they have vegan brunch buffet with about a zillion different kinds of cakes. DELICIOUS!!!
then i met up with my friend paul from a long time ago and we wandered around this little street and ate burritos and made plans to rendezvous in europe and then went to ted and staceys house and ate a little bit more and listened to these adorable little kids who may or may not live at that house sing songs in japanese and swahili. pretty amazing...
later on i went to my friend brian's house and we watched movies...
the next day we ate indian food and got coffee and then i caught the bus to come back to philadlephia...
tuesday i had to go to baltimore for a screening for a drug study which was fine but i was so wiped out from traveling that it kindof sucked. not to mention that baltimore is the most depressing city that i've ever been to.
i got back in the night time and then hung out with my friend josh for a while...
the next day (wednesday) i had to to to upenn hospital for a urinalysis to determine whether or not i had a bladder infection (i did but it was completely asymtomatic... very strange).
when i got home from that i hung out with housemate robin all day long...
we walked around center city looking for a psychic so she could get her palms read (apparently the one that she went to before left town because her building was the headquarters for a gypsy crime ring) we then got coffee and went to fresh fields and got some yummies.
that night she wanted to go to the mean bean cofee shop to get her cards read (a different psychic was there for the night) so we went and drug nate out with us and later on met up with tabitha and nora and a friend of theirs whose name escapes me at the royal tavern. john mosca and a lady friend of his came out too and we had some fries and beers and conversation.
wonderful.
on thursday my mom came into town to pick up some stuff from my house and i gave her an abbreviated tour of south philly...
we ate lunch at sabrinas and walked around the italian market for a bit. we went to this really awesome kitchen supply store and looked at cookie cutters and then we got coffee at gleaners and then we went to the asian market and looked at all the funny candy and sad fish.
thursday brought the news that my wallet that i lost in brooklyn about a month ago had been found and turned in to the police so all i have to do is claim it! how awesome is that. but thursday also brought the bad news that i was regected for the drug study because i tested positive for opiates (i guess from the pain pill that i took a couple of weeks ago)
yesterday i went to the bank to cash in my mason jar of coins (51 bucks worth!) and then i went to acme and bought some brownie mix and ramen noodles (trying not to spend alot of $$$)
and came home and watched sex and the city on on demand and knitted some more little things for the flea market next weekend. in the night time i went to go see ted leo. the ticket said that the show was at "beyond" at 8th and callowhill so nate and i rode all the way there before we learned that it was at the church so we went there. i wasn't sure if the show was sold out but nate got in with no problem. i met up with jon earle, jamie, gerry and brian and we watched the wonderful performance. nate left halfway through and when the show was over i rode back to jon's house where everybody was meeting up for beers and conversation.
throughout the night, brian, jeanne, gerry, julian, jim, missy, patrick, brian ekstrom and his friends all came over. it was a nice time. i left around 3 o'clock and went home and slept till 1:30 this afternoon.
i woke up, took a shower and met up with jon for burritos at santa fe. YUM!
i got to see the babies too. they are soooooooo sweet. i miss them so much.
sigh.
tonight i'm going to ted's SURPRISE PARTY. shhhhhhhhh.
and tomorrow it will be brunch at sunwishes as usual and then tabitha is having a dinner party!
yay!
i think i'm really going to miss philadelphia.

let the golden eagle soar

greetings from clarion, pa (home of the golden eagles in case anybody was wondering)...
i've been here since monday and it's been quite the adventure, this most definitely is one of the strangest places i've ever been. i suppose i should start this entry where the last one left off, with me in stroudsburg on thanksgiving day. well the next morning my dad came and dropped of my sister and i rode back to dumont, nj with him. the whole affair was very much like a prisoner exchange. when we got to his house i chit chatted with deb's mom and brother dan for a little bit until her sister donna and her boyfriend got there...
we all sat around the house and talked about thanksgiving, prague, and politics until we all (minus my dad and deb) left to go see the incredibles. we got there a bit early so i decided to take a walk outside until the movie started playing...
i ended up at a toys r us and although the amount of shoppers was pretty low considering that it was black friday, their selections were just as disturbing as if there had been a zillion people there...
along with the ususal barbie dolls and video games and such i saw more than a couple moms pushing carts containing gigantic (at least 3 feet long) remote control hummers and even bigger ones that their future capatalist shithead children can ride in. i can just see them plowing over other little kids on tricycles. god damn.
side note on hummers... i heard that my friend nicole's dad just got a big yellow one.
what a cocksucker.
and to think that, even despite his obvious douchebag status that at one point i used to sortof care if he liked me or not.
sigh.
but ANYWAY... the movie was good, a lot funnier than i expected. and i positively adore deb's family. they crack me up big time.
when we got back i went out with my dad and deb to eat food and look for a warm coat for me to take to prague. after going to a couple of different places i finally found a pretty nice one and it was on sale which made it even nicer. it's a j-lo coat which cracks me up but don't worry... i'm still katrina from the block.
ha.
the next day i caught a greyhound back to the poconos and went hiking with the lowenburgs. it was pretty cold but still really beautiful and afterwards we went back to their house and drank tea and played with katie (their gorgeous and marvelous maine coon kitty). i went back to my mom's house after a little while and SURPRISE! meaghan and her mom were there!
they were just about to leave so i went inside, grabbed my pack, hugged my mom and sister goodbye and went back to their house...
that night we went to pocono cinema and saw sideways. it was really good. overall a bit dark but there were a couple of parts that were HALLARIOUS. i was laughing so hard for so long that people were staring at me and i had to cover up my mouth to try not to be so distracting. (meaghan and i learned the hard way in that very same theatre that some people hate it when other people have a good time at the movies...)
we were supposed to leave the next morning to go back to clarion but it was freezing cold and pouring rain and we were all sortof wiped out so we decided to leave on monday (meaghan didn't have class until 2). we bummed around the house all day and got a good night's sleep and the next morning we were bright eyed and bushy tailed (sortof) and set out early early. meaghan slept most of the way, karen drove most of the way and i sat in the back and untangled yarn and knitted...
we finally arrived and unpacked the car and i briefly met two of meaghan's housemates. she had to go to class so i took a walk to main street and walked around for a bit.
that night we made pierogies for dinner. delicious.

gobblegobble

ok so i'm at my mom's house right now.
i got into deleware water gap at around 8:30 last night...
it should have been 7:30 but the bus was super late getting to philadelphia and then the traffic was awful all along 611.
i almost missed the 4:30 bus but made it just in time. as i was walking to the station i saw my friend heidi who i used to work with at essene and now just see everywhere.
i talked to her for a minute and then ran to get my ticket.
as i was going inside i saw this girl maggie who i know from a couple of years ago. i saw her one other time a few months ago outside of the wooden shoe but didn't really talk to her either time. oh well.
then as i was in line to get my ticket this boy says to me "do i know you" and i say "i don't know but you sortof look familiar" and he says "where are you from" and i say "the poconos" and he says "east stroudsburg?" and i say "more or less" and he says "i'm pat... i used to deliver chinese food for golden star" and i say "woah! how are you?"
and we chit chatted for a bit. i guess him and his girlfriend were on their way to the lehigh valley to visit their families.
so funny.
the ride was alright... long and cramped. i sat way in the back in the triple seat thinking that if i was lucky that maybe only one person would sit with me but no dice.
a young (probably around my age) couple sat down and immediately started cuddling with each other. but instead of them leaning towards the wall they were leaning toward me. the only thing that kept me from getting really upset was the fact that the girl was sortof chubby and kept my right side nice and toasty (my left side was freezing from being against the window). i just listened to music the whole time and in easton two girls sitting in front of me got off so i took their seat.
when i finally arrived, i discovered that it was about 24 degrees below zero so i had to fish through my pack to find my gloves and hat to wear while i waited for my ride to arrive.
i got to my mom's house and we ordered chinese food from... you guessed it... golden star.
she made me order because "those people never understand her" and i ended up talking to the current delivery guy for like 7 minutes. apparently he's vegetarian and always has them make him tofu dishes too and used to live in philadelphia with his girlfriend and they ate falafel all the time and he likes to get orange tofu from some place in bangor.
crazy.
after i picked up the food i stopped by meaghan and karen and gaelan's house to say hi. i was wearing my firry hat and lilly freaked out and wouldn't stop barking at me and got so excited that she peed a little bit on the floor! i took the hat off and pet her until she calmed down but i only stayed for about 5 minutes because i didn't want my mom to get jealous and scream at me.
when i got back we ate the food and then i went to bed.
this morning i woke up and went to the food store.
then i made roasted root veggies and mushroom gravy and my mom made stuffing.
then we went to meaghan and karen and gaelan's house and ate food and talked (apparently gaelan's going to iraq very soon. fucking nuts....) and watched charlie brown's thanksgiving and then went back to my mom's house.
ha.
but all in all the day was allright.
it was wonderful to see meaghan and her family.
today's her birthday too!
and i made plans to see the lowenburgs on saturday when i get back from my dad's house (which i'm going to tomorrow morning)
and then saturday night, meaghan, mellissa rennencamp and i are all going to see a movie and drink cocoa for meaghan's birthday!
yay!
and sunday we go to clarion.
and then on friday i will go to pittsburgh!
and then sunday back to philadelphia!
phew.
so much bouncing around.
but i'm getting very very excited about going to prague.
my departure date is rapidly approaching.
but even more rapidly approaching is sleep.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz